My previous post has been discredited a little bit. Circumstances && communication errors were really behind all the frustration. But this is a blog where I get to express my feelings, in every stage that they come, so while the post is no longer relevant, it was how I felt at the time && at that stage of knowledge... if it was a big enough deal that I felt that something needed to be said, or I felt that any relationships had changed, then I would have said something about it.

I do have very good friends && that fact has never changed. I like to keep good company && I'm proud of my judgment in character.

Last night Brandon came home :) Yes, later than I had said, but sooner than we thought after his plans changed... We ended up just chillin at Parkside, smokin' && watching football, ordered 30 wings (half atomic, half honey mustard) and 3 sides (buffalo fries, regular "spuds", and clucker bees, which are like hush puppies but not.) from Cluck-U, which really hit the spot because I was soo hungry! And the night was good. Chills. But BK hit me up earlier saying that our friend Tyler was having a big party && that we would all meet at Megan's. I asked if Brandon could come and she said yea, so I asked Brandon if he was down to go, && he said he wouldn't mind going, && then I had set it up that we would get some bud && roll up with them later so we could all smoke together... I texted BK twice asking what time to meet.... no answer. Called her twice... no answer or calls back, so Brandon and I just stayed in and enjoyed the night to ourselves. && the night before that, Blaire, Britt C., && I went to college park && had a wonderful time rippin' shots, getting lifted (literally LoL!), and lots of laughs and memories with our UMD guy friends, but we did that kind of on our own... everyone else decided to go to Eli's. I could have gone to Eli's and had a great time as well, but it was just unfortunate that we couldn't come to an agreement, && the problem was that we just did what we wanted because no one else would tell us what they wanted to do in time... it just seems like the effort to meet up is not reciprocated, && people are thinking only about themselves && what they wanna do, and of course, everyone wants to have fun, but it just seems like they don't care what anyone else wants to do, and if their plans don't coordinate with others then they just don't care about that either. It's hard to explain without being a total bitch, soo... I'm gonna be a total bitch.

I just feel like I try to do so much. Transportation-- picking people up and dropping people off, putting in money basically EVERY TIME && covering people whenever I can when they can't, and I do that because I want to be together && I'm not looking for anything in return except to feel like a friend, and not like a handy accessory. I would just like to feel like my presence is as important as certain others in the decision making process of where we go... && I'm not worried about that with everyone, but certain people... yeah. I'm just like, if we're going to the same place then you want to coordinate with me && meet up early && go together, but if you have another option that will give you everything you need -- a ride, some bud, some drinks, whatever-- then it's like, if I see you I see you. No fuego.

Sometimes I just...

• Get so excited in the moment!
• Get TOO excited in the moment.
• Get fed up.
• Get pissed off.
• Get crabby && snappy.
• Think I'm right.
• Know I'm right.
• Know I'm wrong.
• Drink too much && end up in bathtubs.
• Drink too much && have the best times of my life.
• Laugh obnoxiously because it's that fuckin funny.
• Want to be skinny.
• Feel wonderful in my body.
• Want to have sex.
• Want to have a threesome. 2 girls & a guy. && I want to be the center of attention.
• Have weird fantasies... like a dirty old man taking advantage of me, and it's good, but I don't want it... it's a weird conflict of interest. (Yea, I know that's really weird.) But that's probably as weird as it gets LoL! It's got somethin' to do with feeling irresistably desirable but the consequences... I dunno, it makes sense enough. LoL!
• Wish I could go back in time.
• Wish I had the hair && knowledge of how to do my hair that I have now, in high school.
• Can't watch T.I. on t.v. because it hurts too much to know that I can't have him.
• Enjoy getting dressed nicely for no real reason but to look and feel fabulous for an ordinary day.
• Won't leave the house until I feel completely comfortable in what I'm wearing. (I just get this feeling && I know the outfit is right)
• Feel like dancing.
• Make up complete dances in my head... real choreography that should be brought to life.
• Love my life!
• Wish my life was different.
• Wish someone would discover me... && appreciate my talents, even my small ones.
• Wish I could disappear.
• Dream of my future. (It's unclear)

Sometimes I just don't...

• Feel like going out. Even if it's the weekend, sometimes I'm tired && if I really feel like I'm not going to be any fun, I'm not going to force myself to go out-- it's just not gonna be enjoyable for me && I'm not going to do anything for anyone else so I might as well rest. There will be another day, another party, another night to go out. Of course, this excludes like seriously planned events, and if I can muster up enough energy to want to go, then I'll go, but just going out to go out, sometimes sleep is better.
• Want to be around people. I enjoy my alone time && my own space. That means, I don't want to talk on the phone either-- although I do respond to text messages && if it's important/emergency then that's obviously an exception.
• Feel like I'm part of the group.
• Know whether I'm really the best friend, or just one in a list. && I feel left out from the other best friendship(s)... I don't know the inside skinny on relationships, or feelings, who's new or who's out, what happened when or why... && if I do, it's like passed down information... the intimacy is split && sometimes I don't care or I don't notice, but sometimes I do...
• Agree with my friends' reasoning, decisions, or opinions. && that's okay.
• Know what I'm saying when I'm drunk or smacked... LoL! The words just come out && I know what I mean, but it may be not exactly the best way to commuicate it. e.g. "I don't want to sit on your lap 'cause I have to change my tampon" = "I just don't ever feel comfortable sitting on people's laps when I'm on my period." LoL!
• Know why I dated certain guys.
• Know what I saw in certain guys && why I let them become so important to me, when I knew it wasn't reciprocated.
• Know what my friends see in certain people.
• Want to create a bigger issue by telling someone about themselves even though they may need someone to let them know they need to chill out... just depending on my relationship with that person, it may not be appropriate/ the way we work.
• Want to be told what to do.
• Want to have sex.
• Feel attractive.
• Have all the answers.

I'm/I'll ALWAYS...

• Down for my friends && family, even if I don't feel like being around them.
• Going to love my friends && family (again, even if I don't feel like being around them. LoL!)
• Down for a good time... and if that means a good sleep, so be it.
• Protective of my close friends.
• Love music.
• Dreaming big.
• Have a song for every occasion.
• Love dancing.
• Enjoy watching diving even I don't personally want to do it.
• Going to be a clean && neat person.
• Proud of my ability to write very neatly.
• Going to have big calves.
• Going to be short.
• Smiling unless I have a reason not to.
• Going to overpack.
• Going to smoke recreationally as long as it fits in my life.
• Feel like I dance my best in the club or the bar when I'm drunk.
• Unpredictable && spontaneous.
• Be who I am (even if I don't know exactly who that is)
• Be me.

For the past week and 3 days Brandon has been driving all over the country in big ass truck with his padre... && I honestly didn't think that I would miss him so much! It's one thing to just not see each other for a few days... it's another to not be able to... But I'm glad that he's making a nice lil sum so he can take care of all his responsibilities && I have enjoyed being able to spend some real quality time with just my ladies && not spread myself so thin-- even though it's wonderful that my friends really like Brandon :) but he really enjoys our time alone together so sometimes it's hard to accomodate everyone. I know it's not just I who has to get used to having an official boyfriend... it's a big adjustment for my friends too, but I think they're handling it well, && in the end, I've got to think about what makes me happy too so it's all a compromise.

You know, sometimes I wonder if it's time for me to have a boyfriend, and whether I'm really ready to be dedicated, but it's been a long time since someone has really impressed me && made me feel as good as I do when I'm with Brandon. There are some people in my past that I'm like "Damn, what if that had worked out?" But you know what? It didn't. && for some reason, our paths crossed at Bentley's (yeah, yeah, a bar, but it's college park, so really? it's not a bar-- it's a watering hole for all lil college drunkies) && the rest is l'histoire :) So to celebrate Brandon's homecoming in 2 days, here's to us being cute haha!

So it's 7:15 in the A.M. and I'm babysitting my little cousin Lena, who's not even 2 yet but already a fiesty li'l sumthin! I've been here since 5:55 a.m. && I'm so proud of myself for getting up in time enough for me to shower AND lotion AND look very presentable :) It's just me and her here && she's running the show BUT I got her hooked on MTV, so that's my own personal little victory :) We're watching Daddy's Girls, that new reality show starring Rev. Run's daughters Angela && Vanessa-- && you know what? It's actually pretty entertaining! Angela is funny to me, she's so animated. But I wanna see the nitty gritty on them though... I thought Angela was dating Bow Wow but this series is starting out with her recently breaking up with her boyfriend, T.K.... like whaaat? who's T.K.!? GOOGLE SEARCH in...3...2...now!


.....


&& what did I find??





Okay, so his name is Terry Kennedy (hence the T.K. anagram) && this was them... in happier times I suppose.... @ Maxim's Extreme Sports party in L.A. [courtesy of concreteloop.com]

They're cute! && he's a lot more attractive than I had thought from the flash that they showed on t.v... Anyways, so T.K. is a 23 year old pro skateboarder who seems to be sponsored by quite a few companies--...blah blah blah insert names here...-- && he also owns his own clothing line Neff Headwear... so he's pretty successful && ambitious. A little more searching reveals "Pharrell's Skating Team Captain Was Shot In The Jaw" and that article was written on June 9, 2005, so damn, I guess Kennedy has been in the limelight for a little while now... && it's sad, but the most impressive thing seems to be that he has Pharrell's name attached to his...

Well, that was my celeb scoop for the morning-- Lena just came up to me && said, "Book, book" and handed me a big novel-- oh! Beginner's Bible! how cute-- so I asked her if she wanted me to read to her and she said "okay, okay" AND she finally patted me on the chest and said "ASHLEY" so I'm amped about this new level of bonding-- gotta grab it while I can! I'll be back in a little while though-- there's more to say && a long day ahead to get it all out :)

This year I entered 2009 with a bizzang! Packed limo full of gorgeous friends all runk && frisky, who could ask for a better new year!? I wish I could have spent it with my baby but plans just

Since it is now 2009, I'm only moving forward. 2008 will just be remembered and not rehashed... so I will write from tonight forward about my life... there will be memories and good times remembered as my life moves onward from today.

Bopa's drunk ass dropped all the brews out the box in the limo-- Sloppy sloppy... LoL!

The other side of the limo getting crunk!

Gimme some draaank && my biddies && I'll be a.o.k.

*Blaire && Hassan lookin' dapper*
Rob && I looking fabulous!

T.J, Matt, and Rob celebrating Bopa's birthday!

*Birthday toast!*

Check out my facebook album for more pictures since the New Year!